Welcome to Jeff the Bum, a blog dedicated to the creation of a television sit-com about homeless people.
Jeff the Bum was the local bum in a small town called Portsmouth, New Hampshire. The town was so small he was the only bum, and he lived in a Salvation Army drop off dumpster beside a grocery store downtown.
This is a group run blog, everyone can help write the shows. A wiki approach to script writing.
My screen name is hobo soup, and since I'm the moderator, I'll explain a little about this project.
As a child I wanted to be homeless. It was a very romantic notion to me. Now that I'm older, it looks a lot more difficult than I realized. But I hope this sit-com can recapture some of the innocence I had with the subject.
Having written a few short stories about the topic, a friend, Lyle, suggested we write a sit-com. That whisper was overheard by Oggy, another friend, who has given homelessness a serious try. He wanted to be in as well.
So Lyle and Oggy will be writing and publishing posts along with me, and if you care to join in, start by commenting, and it will be obvious if you should have a password to join the inner sanctum or not.
In a short while this page will be embedded within My Robot Is Pregnant, but until I get help with that, it is free standing.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
15 comments:
So how do I make a posting in this thing? After a small drought I feel an episode developing that involves homeless people living inside a major league baseball stadium.
I'm on board completely. This is a Yes world and I have a Yes attitude.
I just have one hypenated word for you all..."Bi-polar."
The title credits are as follows:
The toothless face of a guy coming out a dumpster. Freeze frame. Subtitles:" The Dumpster Diver"
Cut to a kid shoplifting used VHS tapes. Freeze. Subtitles:
"The Thief"
Cut to a guy under a bridge taking a piss. Freeze.
"The Troll."
Cut to a guy with aluminum foil on his head. He does a little dance and gestures/defends himself with a broken broom at some invisible enemy. He screams furiously. Freeze.
"The bi-polar"
Cut to each character in turn. The priest. The junkie. The gambler. The hustler.
I have opinions on the general plot. This can't be open-ended. Makes no difference if we pitch to network or cable. The thing has to have a soap opera effect. If we want to make it ourselves then that is a different story. But if we want to pitch it then the thing must have drama.
More on that later.
For now we should trade scripts or just publish them here. I don't care. I'll register the script before hand. Then put it up here. Work on it.
I agree, generally, with Oggy's comments. We may need to incorporate some drama into the show. Now, I don't know jack about writing anything but I might be concerned that our show would develop a bi-polar personality, itself, and that might not go over well with a carrier. How do we toe the line and make this a 'dramedy'? Are dramedies really even funny?
Did I mention the talking pet rat? This isn't a rip off of mutant ninja turtles. This is a sleazy "meet the feebles" type rat who carries rabies and talks to The Troll, his friend and provider. The rat gives advice and commentary on the state of the world. It might be the brightest character of them all. His name is Rat.
And the bi-polar character has an invisible friend that only he can see. He has invisible enemies too, but he also has a friend.
As far as the risk we run in collaborating I say we are only dealing with 22 pages of text for a pilot episode. It simply has to develop the characters in a way that is unique (an executive could not duplicate what we have done) and "has legs" (It is not anecdotal)
If you take away Ross's obsession with Rachel "Friends" becomes "Three's Company Times Two." That obsession managed to carry over 100 episodes.
Our dramedy/sitcom pilot should project a season long series. That's where the soap opera comes in. The essential relationships/problems are introduced. These problems must be so complicated (Diane enters a bar on her wedding day and takes a job as a waitress instead of getting married.) that they can't be resolved in less than 100 episodes.
As far as funny is concerned, My name is Earl, The Riches, Six feet Under, The Sopranos, Deadwood all have funny elements. Most sitcoms today are reruns of a series that isn't even made anymore. Malcolm in the middle, Seinfeld, Cheers, Everybody loves Raymond. Those aren't even made anymore! But even a rerun of Seinfeld is better than a brand new Knights of Prosperity.
22 pages of satire on the plight of homeless people. That's the goal. Good characters will attract actors. I've got a director lined up. We will all co-produce. But the script has to be a gem.
So, do we start by whipping together a list of characters for the show? I'll admit, in my mind I had people floating in and out of the show but I see the value of building audience attachment to characters.
Folks can come and go. I'm just in favor of a core group that we can rely on. Otherwise, who will want to act a role that only occurs once? That's a guest star.
I'm in favor of starting from scratch. My own pilot sample is purely commercial and may not be the right approach. The bi-polar character is a must. The animated talking rat. The troll. These are characters that are going to be common because they are sterotypical homeless folks. The tough part will be inventing characters who are unexpected. For instance, an ex-prostitute who has lost an eye and is in and out of drug rehab is kind of cliche. Too predictable. Would get boring fast. So is an ex-actress who got old before her time. Bag ladies are also predictable. Now, we can have a runaway girl who is on the streets to escape her abusive parents. That has legs. But an adult woman should be a real person. Let's say a woman who was displaced by Katrina. A voodoo priestess who is going to prove a point to the goverment by living on the streets. She feels Katrina destroyed her home for a reason. So she can spread the word of Voodoo to the man on the street. That can't help but offend people so it is good because we have the challenge of making her into a heroine.
I think we should agree on one or two locations. Either L.A. or New Orleans or Denver or Miami or S.F. The show could alternate between several. That might be interesting. The location should give us opportunities for story. Once the location makes sense then the characters will start to filter in. We should have some idea of where these people came from even if the pilot episode picks up right in the middle of some crisis. What do they want?
What race are they? I see the rat as voiced by Paul Rodriguez. A mexican rat. All races should be represented. A gay guy. HIV. other disabilities and maladies. This is the bottom of the barrel. Even a thief actually makes an effort to make a better life. These folks have no fight left in them. They have been defeated by the system and have nothing to fight for except delusions. They are too young to die and too old to start over.
I think multiple locations would be great.
I had a flashback this morning to when I first moved to Milwaukee. There were a lot more homeless in the area back then, before the government put them all on a day cruise in Lake Michigan and sunk the boat.
There was this one hobo named Cowboy Don. Very jovial homeless guy who used to come into the bar I worked at. The crown was people from 18 to 25 year olds, generally, and people used to buy him drinks to get him to sing and dance. His favorite tune was the Mosquito Polka, I have no idea if that's a real song.
This guy was always wasted so his performances were always high comedy. Unfortunately, some of the patrons used to do some mean stuff like take his straw cowboy hat, piss on it, and put it back on his head.
Cowboy Don disappeared and I was told that he jumped off a very high bridge, to his demise.
Also, how about a guy who failed to become a famous Opera singer? I haven't put much thought into his background but I think it would be cool to have a guy who could really belt out a tune. He could sing our theme song and he could be delusional such that he constantly thinks he's in an opera. I see this guy getting beat up a lot.
I am in favor of toying with multiple characters and deciding which work best. Cowboy Don can be your muse. My muse is the bi-polar, tin-foil hat wearing wingnut. But if it comes to pass that the idea of celebrating a homeless, suicidal town drunk is better than the reality then we should be ready to adapt.
How about a poorly adjusted teenager who's obsessed with Star Wars and goes to camp out for tickets a month before they go on sale. By the time the tickets are actually on sale, he's acclimated to life on the streets and he now patrols the alleys in a Darth Vader costume.
Just saw a news clip on the TV. A bank executive in Milwaukee disappeared 51 days ago. He left for work in the morning but never showed up. His car was found parked at the local marina. No one has seen him since. The lakefront and the surrounding land was searched, no clues.
This could be an interesting character. Maybe he could even have a boat stashed away for something down the road.
Ralston, let's get this page segmented into a better workspace already!
I could definitely see Ralston's alter ego, Mr. Bees, as a character in this show.
This seems like a good fit for the boy who always wanted to be homeless. When Mr. Bees was a boy, when his parents would tuck him in at night, he would wait until everyone else was asleep and then sneak downstairs to get his dad's paper. He would return to his room and sleep on the floor under the paper. His favorite Christmas was when his parents bought themselves a new refrigerator. He swiped the box on trash day and kept it in his tree house, which he would eventually move into during his high school years.
There was a train that ran behind his house so Mr. Bees learned the routes and spent many a Saturday jumping trains, traveling up and down the state, always home in time for dinner.
Gotta run, will continue later.
I just want to note that, while you guys continue to not contribute to this effort, I've been bouncing the idea off of people and I have yet to run across someone who said they wouldn't watch the show. People think it's hilarious. Get on the fucking bus already.
Slightly difficult to view because of the formatting of my screenwriting software. Maybe if you cut and paste it in a simple text application you can make the page breaks. I can't be bothered, as my days are miserable repetitions of self defeat. Enjoy!
WORKING CLASS: ALYDAR BY A NOSE
by
Oggy Bleacher
ACT ONE
COLD OPENING
EXT. ALLEYWAY WITH STREETLIGHT - NIGHT
(DICEMAN, BOOTS)
DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE GETTING READY FOR BED BY GATHERING BLANKETS AND NEWSPAPER AROUND THEIR LEGS.
DICEMAN
Real good meal tonight.
BOOTS
I’m full up.
DICEMAN
Never ate so much turkey. And corn. You get a piece of that corn?
BOOTS
A piece? Son, I was like a tractor. Like a corn-eating machine. Corn on the cob. Corn bread. Corn dumplings. Corn soup. Corn flakes. All that and smoked turkey too. Mmmmmm.
DICEMAN
And pie? You get a slice of the apple pie.
BOOTS
Ate a whole tree. Yes, I did. Real good pie.
DICEMAN NODS.
DICEMAN
Right. (beat) You didn’t get no pie, did you.
BOOTS
(reluctantly)
No. No pie. Pass me the sports please.
DICEMAN PASSES THE SPORTS PAGES. BOOTS SPREADS THE PAPER OUT OVER HIS LEGS.
BOOTS (CONT’D)
(happily)
That’s what I’m talking about. Love that Sunday edition.
DICEMAN
And you didn’t get no corn.
BOOTS
Not exactly. Technically, no. But I had some a few years ago.
DICEMAN
And the turkey?
BOOTS
You know. It was gone by the time I got to the shelter. I like flightless bird meat too.
DICEMAN
Actually, they didn’t have none of that. I was just saying...
BOOTS
(Sighs) I know. Good night, Diceman.
DICEMAN
Good night, Boots. (beat) But I did have a cup of noodles. Shrimp flavor. And the water was real hot.
BOOTS
Nothing beats hot water and noodles. No, sir.
DICEMAN
Seasoned with imagination...my favorite.
BOOTS ROLLS OVER AND TAKES A PILE OF PAPER OFF OF DICEMAN.
DICEMAN (CONT’D)
Boots, you’re stealing the business section again!
AS BOOTS BEGINS TO SNORE, WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. LABOR HALL - MORNING (DAY 1)
(ANTHONY, CODE BLUE, GOOSE, CHARLOTTE)
CHARLOTTE IS SITTING AT THE OFFICE DESK. ANTHONY AND CODE BLUE ARE SITTING DOWN. BIG SIGN: WORK TODAY, PAID TODAY.
ANTHONY
Jordan played in a different time zone. He don’t count.
CODE BLUE
He counts. He counts and you lose. Pay up.
ANTHONY
Style was different back then. All them fools cared about was playing basketball.
GOOSE ENTERS.
ANTHONY (CONT’D)
Goose. Who has the best sneakers, Jordan or Kobe?
GOOSE
Chuck Taylor. Cheaper. Made in the U.S. How many kids you know get shot over a pair of Chuck Taylors?
ANTHONY COUNTS SILENTLY ON HIS FINGERS
ANTHONY
Not even a dozen.
CODE BLUE
(skeptical)
You count kids from my neighborhood?
ANTHONY RECOUNTS ON FINGERS
ANTHONY
Still less than twenty. Twice that got shot for a pair of Jordans. (beat) The same pair too.
GOOSE
See? That’s a good shoe right there. And when they wore out you could use the soles to patch your bike tires. (beat) Then you could chase down the kid who shot you.
CODE BLUE
I bet Tony that Jordan’s shoes were better than Kobe’s.
GOOSE
What you bet?
CODE BLUE
A taco.
GOOSE
Just a taco?
CODE BLUE
From King Taco.
GOOSE
(rolls eyes)
That come with a bathroom token?
ANTHONY
(proudly)
No need. I broke the lock last week.
CODE BLUE
(angrily)
Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve still been going in the alley.
GOOSE
(to charlotte)
Any tickets today?
CHARLOTTE
Got a call for two skilled losers. Anyone interested?
CODE BLUE
How much it pay?
CHARLOTTE
It don’t. I was just...
CODE BLUE
Well do I get lunch? If I get lunch then I’ll take it.
ANTHONY
Make sure you get a taco.
CHARLOTTE
(hopefully)
If it paid for a ticket out of town, would you take it?
ANTHONY
One-way or round trip?
CODE BLUE
She means “Are you willing to travel?” Like when you worked for the carnival.
ANTHONY
And give up my spot under the bridge again? No chance. Who would watch my shopping cart?
CODE BLUE
I’ll do it for a taco.
ANTHONY
(throws up arms)
So I’m already out a taco. That’s how they get you. I’m here to get a job and now I owe you lunch?
(suddenly agitated)
And who says a penguin isn’t a bird? It’s got wings, right? But if it can’t fly then it ain’t a bird. Who thinks this stuff up?
GOOSE
Why don’t you relax, Anthony? Count your food stamps again. Or... Hey, you take your Lithium yet?
ANTHONY
Is it time already?
ANTHONY QUICKLY TAKES A VIAL OF LITHIUM OUT OF HIS JACKET AND TAKES A PILL. HE BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF. CODE BLUE LOOKS GREEDILY.
ANTHONY (CONT’D)
That was close. Code Blue was starting to make sense.
CODE BLUE
(in the tone of a grade school teacher)
Excuse me, if you didn’t bring enough to share then don’t bring any at all.
CODE BLUE PUTS HIS HAND OUT. ANTHONY RELUCTANTLY PUTS A PILL INTO CODE BLUE’S HAND. CODE BLUE EATS IT.
CODE BLUE (CONT’D)
The nurse at the clinic said I was malnourished. (happily) At least now I’m getting enough Lithium.
GOOSE
Blue, Lithium isn’t a vitamin. (points to head) It’s for mental illnesses.
CODE BLUE
(hesitantly, scared)
Does it cause them or help them?
GOOSE
(slowly)
Helps them.
CODE BLUE
(relieved)
Good. Because I’ve got those too.
ON GOOSE’S REACTION, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE B
EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - DAY (DAY 1)
(DICEMAN, BOOTS, ALYDAR)
BOOTS AND DICEMAN ARE PUSHING SHOPPING CARTS. LOOKING INTO TRASH CANS.
DICEMAN
They don’t take out your teeth. It’s something called an altoid.
BOOTS PICKS A BAG OUT OF THE TRASH. LOOKS IN BAG.
BOOTS
Hey, a perfectly good donut. You want the chocolate half or the powdered sugar half?
DICEMAN
Don’t matter. I’m too tired to eat. You kept the feral cats up with all that snoring. Just get them altoids out and I can sleep.
BOOTS SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE HANDS DICEMAN HALF A DONUT.
BOOTS
Sounds like something the Government cooked up so they can implant them tracking chips in my mouth.
BOOTS TAKES A NEWSPAPER OUT OF TRASH.
BOOTS (CONT’D)
The DOW JONES dropped again. Jesus! Two days in a row.
DICEMAN
But I can’t sleep with all that racket. Hey, what if we move back under the highway? At least then the freight trucks will drown out your snoring.
BOOTS
I’ll get my altoids out before I do that.
ALYDAR ENTERS.
DICEMAN
(his attitude has no trace of humility or meekness)
Excuse me, captain? Could you spare a quarter for a veteran?
ALYDAR
(awkwardly, digs in pocket for money)
Sure. What war did you fight in?
DICEMAN
(of course)
No war. I’m a veteran of the Eighties. We’re saving up to get his (indicates Boots) altoids out so he’ll stop snoring.
ALYDAR
(hesitates, confused. Doesn’t take any money from his pocket)
Don’t you mean Adenoids?
DICEMAN
(to Boots)
Man, you’ve got to have a double operation.
(to Alydar)
Better give me fifty cents then.
ALYDAR
Sorry, I don’t make it a habit giving money to...street people.
BOOTS
Me neither! Damn street people get all the good shopping carts. But we’re homeless people so it’s alright to give us money.
ALYDAR
What’s the difference?
BOOTS
Well, street people didn’t legally belong in the last place they got kicked out of. Homeless people did.
ALYDAR
I don’t get it.
DICEMAN
That’s not surprising. It’s like... are you a Lakers fan or a Clippers fan?
ALYDAR
Lakers.
DICEMAN
Me too. But Boots likes the Clippers.
ALYDAR
That’s crazy.
BOOTS
You’re crazy!
DICEMAN
Shut up, Boots. You see? You can only tell the difference between them when you become one.
ALYDAR REACTS.
ALYDAR
I don’t get it.
BOOTS
See, the street isn’t our home. It’s just where we live until we find an abandoned building.
DICEMAN
Right. But street people don’t like abandoned buildings because they think that’s where the “devil” lives.
BOOTS AND DICEMAN NOD TO EACH OTHER AND LAUGH.
DICEMAN (CONT’D)
(hysterical)
Everyone knows the devil lives in a cave.
ALYDAR
So how long have you been looking for an abandoned building?
BOOTS
Eleven years.
DICEMAN
Twelve years counting the one you spent protesting the lack of abandoned buildings.
BOOTS
A lot of good that did me.
ALYDAR
Let’s make a deal: I’ll give you fifty cents in exchange for directions.
BOOTS
(disappointed)
I wish I could do it. But giving directions constitutes a “service rendered”. That’s a dollar minimum. And if it involves bus or light rail directions then it’s double.
OFF OF ALYDAR’S REACTION:
BOOTS (CONT’D)
Union rules. (beat) Just be thankful that it’s before noon. Evening rates are higher.
DICEMAN
(ominously)
Much higher.
ALYDAR
Ok. Here’s a dollar.
ALYDAR GIVES THE DOLLAR TO BOOTS.
BOOTS
(indicates Diceman)
Each. We have a joint partnership incorporated in Florida.
OFF OF ALYDAR’S REACTION:
DICEMAN
(scratches head. Nods nonchalantly)
Better tax shelters.
ALYDAR IS AGITATED BUT GIVES ANOTHER DOLLAR TO DICEMAN. BOOTS AND DICEMAN POCKET THE MONEY AND BEGIN TO SET UP HOUSE WITH SHOPPING CARTS AND FOLDING LAWN CHAIRS.
ALYDAR
Satisfied? Now I’m looking for the Work-A-Day labor hall. It’s on Sepulveda Boulevard. Please tell me where it is.
DICEMAN AND BOOTS BOTH SIT DOWN OR LEAN AGAINST A BUILDING. DICEMAN TAKES OUT A TORN CAR SUN REFLECTOR AND USES IT TO TAN HIS FACE.
ALYDAR (CONT’D)
What are you doing?
BOOTS
By-law 20.3. Paragraph 4. “Five minute break after every transaction.”
ALYDAR REACTS IN SHOCK.
BOOTS (CONT’D)
Those are the rules, sir. If you’ve got a grievance then file it with the union. Diceman, pass the lotion.
DICEMAN PASSES SUN TAN LOTION AS WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE C
INT. LABOR HALL - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)
(ANTHONY, CODE BLUE, TED THE BAPTIST, CODE BLUE, ANTHONY, ROSCOE, SPORTY, CHARLOTTE, GOOSE)
MEN ARE SITTING IN CHAIRS. GOOSE IS IN BATHROOM.
ANTHONY
(sings a la Black Eyed Peas)
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, Get you love drunk off my stump.
CODE BLUE
Fool! It’s “Get you love drunk off my hump.”
ANTHONY
That makes no sense. You can’t get love drunk from a hump.
TED THE BAPTIST ENTERS.
CODE BLUE
Depends on the hump.
TED THE BAPTIST
(signature opening line selling religion)
What does the lord Jesus and Mikes Mattress World have in common?
CODE BLUE, ANTHONY
What?
TED THE BAPTIST
(enthusiastically)
Buy now, we’ll deliver today, and you’ll sleep like baby Jesus tonight.
CODE BLUE
But I don’t need a mattress. Where would I put it? I live in a station wagon.
TED THE BAPTIST
Do you need your soul to be saved?
CODE BLUE LOOKS AT ANTHONY
CODE BLUE
I don’t know. Do I?
TED THE BAPTIST
Of course you do. How else are you going to touch the saving hand of Jesus?
CODE BLUE
Pay him?
TED THE BAPTIST
(rolling with it)
That’s right! And do you know what kind of money Jesus accepts?
CODE BLUE
(hesitant)
Pesos?
TED THE BAPTIST
No! All you do is ask for his forgiveness.
CODE BLUE
All right...(beat) What did I do wrong?
TED THE BAPTIST
You sinned.
CODE BLUE
Oh (beat), but what did I do wrong?
TED THE BAPTIST REACTS.
ANTHONY
Give it up, Ted. The closest Blue ever got to Jesus was the alleyway behind the Inglewood Methodist Church.
CODE BLUE
(amazed)
That’s J.C.’s Crib? Sweet.
ROSCOE ENTERS WITH SPORTY.
ROSCOE
Look who I ran into at the track.
TED THE BAPTIST
Sporty, you promised you wouldn’t bet no more. You swore on the bible.
SPORTY
(dejected)
I swore at the bible. No one’s got luck like mine.
TED THE BAPTIST
The Lord says you make your own luck.
SPORTY
I’d say that too if I could pick a Trifecta outta my butt.
ROSCOE LAUGHS
TED THE BAPTIST
(to Roscoe)
What were you doing at the track?
ROSCOE
Researching a part in a movie.
CODE BLUE
Which part is that? Part loser or part ass?
ROSCOE
Neither. I’m gonna make a comeback. I got a flyer off a telephone pole. Look for yourself.
HANDS CODE BLUE THE FLYER.
CODE BLUE
(struggles, mispronounces)
F-f-f-fa-mouse dear-ector sex led-ing man.”
ANTHONY
(snatches flyer)
Give me that. During what grade did you start doing crack?
CODE BLUE
Grade F?
ANTHONY
(reads flyer)
“Famous Director seeks leading man. Big budget. 18-23 years old. Be a Hollywood star today.” Oh, man.
ROSCOE
(who is 30 years too old for part)
I’m perfect for it. I’m gonna be a star again!
ANTHONY
Dude, you were an extra on “The Brady Bunch”.
ROSCOE
(defensive)
I made that series what it was!
(slaps his own behind)
I put the “Bun” in “Bunch”. I was Marsha’s boyfriend’s older brother’s cousin. That’s like family! You can’t take that away from me.
TED THE BAPTIST
That doesn’t give you license to enter a house of sin.
ROSCOE
The Brady’s weren’t that bad.
TED THE BAPTIST
I mean the track.
ROSCOE
Oh, I went there because my new monologue is from The Godfather. Listen:
ROSCOE PUTS ON HIS BEST VITO CORLEONE, WHICH ISN’T TOO GOOD:
ROSCOE (CONT’D)
You found paradise in America, had a good trade, made a good living. The
police protected you; and there were courts of law. And you didn't need a friend of me. But, now you come to me and you say -- "Don Corleone give me justice."
CODE BLUE
What does that have to do with the track?
ROSCOE
(of course)
Well, a horse died in The Godfather. So...I’m gonna get the part, right?
TED THE BAPTIST
(dubious)
Don’t forget to invite me to the premier.
ROSCOE
Everyone’s invited. It feels so good to be acting again. I’ll bet my agent will be calling any minute.
CODE BLUE
When was the last time you talked to your agent?
ROSCOE
1975. But he told me not to expect to hear from him in a while.
(scolding)
If he’s not careful I’m gonna shop around for a new agent.
CODE BLUE
(sarcastic)
That ought to light a fire under his ass.
ROSCOE
That’s what I thought. I just need to make a few bucks today so I can buy an audition outfit. Charlotte, any jobs today?
GOOSE WALKS OUT OF BATHROOM.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, you can fix the bathroom.
GOOSE
If it wasn’t broke before. It’s broke now.
SPORTY
Hasn’t the owner fixed the toilet yet? Jeez.
CHARLOTTE
You know Lupus has better things to do than spend money on you stiffs.
SPORTY
Man, if I could get a job without a background check I’d be on my horse like that.
(snaps fingers)
CHARLOTTE
You worry about keeping your tickets happy and I’ll worry about the...
PHONE RINGS. CHARLOTTE ANSWERS.
CODE BLUE
Maybe I’ll make some money today.
ANTHONY
You? I was here first.
CODE BLUE
You slept outsside. That’s cheating.
CHARLOTTE
(charmingly)
Work-A-Day Labor Hall. Oh, hello Mr. Lupus. We were just talking about you. Of course it was all good.
(shakes head “no”)
What can I do for you today? Closed? What? But we make you plenty of money. Well that’s not our fault. What am I supposed to do for work?
RESPONDS TO “IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT?”
CHARLOTTE (CONT’D)
Yes, that’s what I call it. 24 hours? But...
CHARLOTTE HANGS UP.
SPORTY
What happened?
CHARLOTTE
(slowly)
That was Mr. Lupus. He said we aren’t making him enough money and he wants to buy a racehorse. So he’s going to sell the business.
ANTHONY
Well, I hope our next boss is nicer.
CHARLOTTE
(stunned)
There isn’t going to be a new boss. The new owner has their own staff.
CODE BLUE
So what does that mean?
SPORTY
It means you’re going to be out of work. For good.
CODE BLUE RAISES HIS ARMS TRIUMPHANTLY
CODE BLUE
(happily)
Finally!
ON THE REACTION OF THE CAST, WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT 1
ACT 2: SCENE E
EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - AFTERNOON (DAY 1)
(DICEMAN, BOOTS, ALYDAR)
DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE FINISHING UP A SNACK. ALYDAR IS IMPATIENTLY WAITING FOR THEM.
DICEMAN
Day old pizza, in my opinion, is better than fresh pizza. I don’t know why. It just is.
BOOTS
I thought that was a burrito.
DICEMAN
No sir, I got that right out of the Pizza Palace dumpster. Aged to perfection.
ALYDAR
Are you guys ever going to give me directions to the labor hall?
DICEMAN
(wipes mouth with sleeve)
Let me ask you something: you appear to be young and in good health. What do you want with a job?
ALYDAR
I don’t need a job. I already work over forty hours.
DICEMAN
Forty hours in just one month? Wow.
ALYDAR
Forty hours a week.
DICEMAN CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.
DICEMAN
Boots, did he say forty hours a week?
BOOTS
(fanning Diceman with a magazine. Shaking his head gravely)
Young folks don’t know what to do with their youth. It’s a shame. Take it from me, kid, it’s better to leave the work to the Japanese. They’re just better at it.
DICEMAN NODS SOLEMNLY.
ALYDAR
Actually, I’m looking for my father.
BOOTS
(relieved)
Is that all? What’s his name?
ALYDAR
I don’t know. My mother only knew his nickname: Sporty.
DICEMAN
The old Hit and Run love affair.
ALYDAR
All I’ve got is this old picture of him taken when I was two years old.
ALYDAR SHOWS BOOTS AND DICEMAN A PHOTOGRAPH
DICEMAN
That’s Hollywood Park racetrack.
ALYDAR
Yep. He named me after a horse: Alydar.
BOOTS
Alydar? He came in second place in three straight races when Affirmed won the triple crown in ‘78.
DICEMAN
Well, Lazaro Barrera trained Alydar to be a loser. Always blame the trainer.
BOOTS
That’s not fair. Barrera was an excellent trainer. The Kentucky Derby was rigged from the start in ‘78. Remember?
DICEMAN
Nuts. Seattle Slew was still in his prime. He was held back by the government.
BOOTS
(easily distracted)
That could be debated. However, the evidence against such an assertion is threefold...
ALYDAR
Guys?
DICEMAN
(reluctantly looks at photo)
Anyway, he’s too big to be a jockey. Was he a trainer?
ALYDAR
My mother says Hollywood Park built a whole bleacher section with the money he lost gambling there. I’ve been searching for him for seven years. No permanent residence. No pay checks. No job. No family.
DICEMAN
Boots. That sounds like you. The kid kind of looks like you too.
BOOTS
No. I placed my bets at Santa Anita in 1978. And if I know gamblers, I’d check the race park first.
ALYDAR
I did. A week ago I met someone who swears he worked with this guy at the Work-A-Day labor hall on Sepulveda. It’s the only lead I found.
BOOTS
I’ll give you directions if you promise me one thing.
ALYDAR
What?
BOOTS
Don’t work if you don’t have to. Those day labor places are like liquor: Once you’re hooked, you’d done for.
ALYDAR
OK.
ALYDAR APPEARS SAD.
BOOTS
(off Alydar’s sad look)
What’s wrong? We’re gonna find your daddy.
ALYDAR
I just realized he named me after a loser.
BOOTS
(correcting)
A loser, with heart.
ALYDAR CHEERS UP. AS BOOTS BEGINS TO POINT HOW TO GET TO THE LABOR HALL, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE F
INT. LABOR HALL-EVENING- (DAY 1)
(SPORTY, CODE BLUE, ANTHONY, CHARLOTTE, TED THE BAPTIST, ALYDAR, GOOSE)
SPORTY IS EXPLAINING SOMETHING TO CODE BLUE AS THE OTHERS LOOK WORRIED.
SPORTY
That’s just the way it is, Blue.
CODE BLUE
So I’m unemployed but I don’t get an unemployment check?
SPORTY
Right. We’re temporary workers here. We don’t get any benefits.
CODE BLUE
Then what good is being unemployed? I’d almost be better off with a job.
SPORTY
That’s kind of the idea.
ANTHONY
Man, I can’t believe this place is gonna close down.
(nostalgically)
To think: I applied for a job here once.
SPORTY
Yep. It’ll be sad to see the place go. Thanks to you, Charlotte, I almost paid off my bookies.
CHARLOTTE
That Lupus! He ought to be thrown in jail. Putting good people on the street so he can buy a racehorse.
CODE BLUE
I wasted so many years here. For what? God hates me.
TED THE BAPTIST
God doesn’t know you exist until you ask for his forgiveness.
CODE BLUE
(points up)
He should be the one who’s sorry. Look at me.
TED THE BAPTIST
We should pray.
ANTHONY
Good idea! (TO HEAVEN) Please God let me win the lottery!
TED THE BAPTIST
I mean a prayer for strength.
ANTHONY
(TO HEAVEN) Please God give me the strength to win the lottery!
TED THE BAPTIST
We need a miracle.
ENTER ALYDAR. EVERYONE LOOKS.
ALYDAR
Hi. I’m looking for a job.
CHARLOTTE
You’re a day late and a dollar short. The place is gonna be sold to buy a racehorse. We just learned.
ANTHONY
We’ve been praying. Hasn’t worked yet.
TED THE BAPTIST
Excuse me son. I’d like to talk to you about your soul.
CODE BLUE
He’s Ted the Baptist. He’s a baptist. We just call him Ted. I’m Code Blue. You can call me Code. Or you can call me Blue.
ALYDAR
OK.
TED THE BAPTIST
Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
ALYDAR
Of course.
TED THE BAPTIST
Hallelujah! One less soul for the devil. One more angel in heaven. We might all be out of work, but the Lord’s work has been done.
SPORTY
The lord worked us right out of a job, Ted. It’s been nice working with you all, but I’ve got a date with the off track betting booth.
SPORTY MOVES TOWARD THE DOOR. ALYDAR REACTS QUICKLY.
ALYDAR
Wait. You guys are just gonna give up?
EVERYONE NODS.
CODE BLUE
It’s hard enough working to get paid. But if I have to work for the chance to work then forget it. I’m not doing something right.
ANTHONY
Brother, you don’t do nothing right.
CODE BLUE
That’s coming from a guy who counts freight trucks to fall asleep.
ANTHONY
At least I don’t stop my car by dragging my foot on the pavement.
CODE BLUE
At least I don’t own a four-wheel-drive shopping cart.
ANTHONY
(enviously)
They make four-wheel-drive shopping carts? I’ll bet all the street people snatch ‘em up.
ALYDAR
Wait. Don’t give up so easily. Maybe you can convince the owner that you’re making more money than you really are. Then he’ll keep the place open.
GOOSE
That might work. Lupus ain’t too bright. He hired me to shut his fan off once. Turned out the fan was in his car.
SPORTY
But what do we do?
ALYDAR
Well, this is a labor hall right? We just need to get a few jobs and make them last all day.
CODE BLUE
If this involves working then I’m out.
ALYDAR
It doesn’t. You have to do your worst job ever. You have to stop working.
CODE BLUE
What?
ALYDAR
You have to take a five minute task and turn it into two hours.
CODE BLUE
How do we do that?
CHARLOTTE
Just do the same thing you always do.
CODE BLUE
That’s easy.
SPORTY
I get it. So we stretch all the jobs out and the hours add up.
ALYDAR
Right. And just to make sure, each one of you can hire another one of you for an eight hour job, which we’ll turn into fourteen hours.
ANTHONY
I have to hire Code Blue? No way. He’s worthless.
CODE BLUE
Talk about worthless? You brought a toothbrush to a fence painting job.
ANTHONY
It had extra stiff bristles.
GOOSE
But we can’t pay the tab.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah. If we don’t get any money then we got nothing to show Lupus. He’s not that dumb.
ALYDAR
Does every client pay the same day?
CHARLOTTE
No. They get billed.
ALYDAR
So bill me. Bill Code Blue. Bill Ted. As long as the owner thinks he’s making a fortune then he’ll be happy.
ANTHONY
What happens when I don’t pay?
CHARLOTTE
(catching on)
Then you’re blacklisted from the client list. But we buy some time. Keep our jobs. Hey! It just might work.
ALYDAR
Exactly. You do the dispatching, maam?
CODE BLUE
She’s not a maam. That’s Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE
Shut it. I do.
ALYDAR
Call every one one of your past clients. Drum up enough cows for these guys to milk.
ANTHONY
(happily)
We get to milk cows!
ANTHONY MIMICS A DAIRY FARMER.
ANTHONY (CONT’D)
Do I get to wear a straw hat?
ALYDAR
And then write up new client paperwork for everyone here and dispatch a worker to them for at least a ten hour assignment.
CHARLOTTE
Got it.
CHARLOTTE GOES TO PHONE AND STARTS CALLING.
ALYDAR
Guys, the most important thing to remember is: do a bad job. Are you ready?
CODE BLUE
Does Spam give you gas?
GENERAL SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT FROM CAST.
ALYDAR
Then get to it.
ANTHONY WIPES BACK TEARS.
ALYDAR (CONT’D)
What’s wrong?
ANTHONY
My daddy used to tell me to do a bad job. Just like you.
ALYDAR
(sympathetic)
Awwww.
ANTHONY
(crying harder)
And I don’t want to work for Code Blue!
SPORTY APPROACHES ALYDAR.
SPORTY
I like how you operate, kid. Where did you pick up that stuff?
ALYDAR
I went to business school. You learn to think outside the box.
SPORTY
Nice. You got a system like that for the race track?
ALYDAR
Horse racing?
SPORTY
Yeah. I’ve got a system but I think it could use some improvements.
ALYDAR
How long have you been betting horses?
SPORTY
Heh. A long time. How old are you?
ALYDAR
Twenty-eight.
SPORTY
(surprised)
Yeah. As long as you’ve been alive. So you were born in Nineteen-...
ALYDAR
...Seventy-Eight.
SPORTY
That was the year. I bet everything I had on one horse. One stupid horse. All he had to do was win once. One time in three chances.
ALYDAR
What happened?
SPORTY
He came in second place all three times.
(sighs)
His name was...
ALYDAR
Alydar.
SPORTY
(surprised)
Yeah. It was. You must love horses. My name’s Sporty. What’s yours?
ALYDAR
(hesitates too late)
AlllllllllllY.
SPORTY
Ali?
ALYDAR
(deer in headlights)
Yeah.
SPORTY
Nice to meet you Ali. Now about that system.
ALYDAR IS MYSTIFIED BY WHAT HE HAS DONE. HE IS FACING HIS FATHER BUT CAN’T SAY ANYTHING. ON HIS FACE, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
END OF ACT 2
ACT 3: SCENE G
MONTAGE OF VARIOUS JOBS GOING WRONG DUE TO THE INTENTIONAL SCREW-UPS BY THE WORKERS.
SCENE G/A: INT. NEW APARTMENT BUILDING - EVENING
GOOSE IS PAINTING THE FLOOR INSTEAD OF THE WALL. THE SITE FOREMAN WALKS UP AND EXAMINES THE WALL AND THEN THE FLOOR. HE GESTURES ANGRILY TO GOOSE. GOOSE PRETENDS TO BE TOTALLY SURPRISED THAT HE HAS PAINTED THE WRONG SURFACE.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE G/B:
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - EVENING
SPORTY IS PUSHING A WHEELBARROW OF DIRT. HE PAUSES AND LOOKS AROUND. THEN HE DUMPS THE WHEELBARROW ON THE GROOUND SIDEWAYS. THE FOREMAN PASSES AND SPORTY PUTS THE WHEELBARROW UPRIGHT THEN GETS ON HIS KNEES AND PICKS UP THE DIRT WITH HIS HANDS, PUTTING IT INTO THE BARROW SCOOP BY SCOOP. THE FOREMAN SHAKES HIS HEAD.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE G/C:
INT. FACTORY ASSEMBLY - NO WINDOWS
TED THE BAPTIST IS STANDING NEXT TO A STOPPED CONVEYOR BELT AND IS PREACHING TO A CO-WORKER. HE POINTS TO THE HEAVENS AND THEN MIMICS CHRIST BEING CRUCIFIED. HE POINTS TO THE WORKER. THE WORKER IS SHOCKED. TED POINTS TO THE BIBLE IN HIS HANDS AND THEN POINTS ANGRILY TOWARD THE GROUND. THE WORKER SHAKES HIS HEAD. TED NODS AND POINTS TO THE BIBLE. THE WORKER GETS ON HIS KNEES AND PRAYS.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE G/D:
INT. WAREHOUSE - NO WINDOWS
ROSCOE IS USING A POWER DRILL TO ASSEMBLE SOME IKEA STYLE FURNITURE. HE IS WORKING FAST. PULL BACK TO REVEAL HE HAS COMBINED THE PIECES FROM THREE DIFFERENT PIECES OF FURNITURE. A HAT RACK, AN ARMOIRE, AND A KITCHEN CHAIR. THE PIECES DON’T MATCH. THE BOSS (WEARING A HAT) APPROACHES AND ANGRILY POINTS AT EACH PIECE IN TURN. ROSCOE SMILES AND SHRUGS. THEN HE TAKES THE BOSS’S HAT OFF AND PUTS IT ON THE PART THAT IS THE HAT RACK. HE SMILES AS THE HAT FALLS TO THE GROUND.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE G/E:
INT. LABOR HALL-EVENING- (DAY 1)
CHARLOTTE IS TALKING WILDLY ON THE PHONE. SHE GESTURES TO THE PHONE THREATENINGLY. NODS HER HEAD. THEN WRITES SOMETHING DOWN AND HANDS IT TO ALYDAR. ALYDAR IS BEHIND A PILE OF PAPER DOING ACCOUNTING ON A CALCULATOR. HE GIVES THE THUMBS-UP TO CHARLOTTE. IN THE MAIN LOBBY OF THE LABOR HALL CODE BLUE AND ANTHONY ARE ARGUING ABOUT WHO IS THE BOSS BY PASSING A BROOM BACK AND FORTH AND POINTING AT EACH OTHER.
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE H
INT. LABOR HALL-MORNING-(DAY 2)
(SPORTY, TED THE BAPTIST, ROSCOE, ANTHONY, CODE BLUE, ALYDAR, CHARLOTTE)
SPORTY, GOOSE, ROSCOE, AND TED ARE ALL SITTING EXHAUSTED ON CHAIRS IN THE LOBBY.
SPORTY
I can’t believe I dumped dirt back in the hole we were digging.
TED THE BAPTIST
Don’t feel bad. I converted to Islam. Just to make my boss happy. Lord forgive me.
ROSCOE
I put the same three pieces of furniture together for seven hours. They gave me a cutting board...(swallows) and I cut it in half.
SPORTY
At least you can get to that audition.
ROSCOE
Naw. I decided I was going to wait for a role opposite my favorite actress: Barbara Streisand!
SPORTY
Aim high.
CODE BLUE AND ANTHONY ENTER. ANTHONY DRAGS HIS FEET.
ANTHONY
(exhausted)
No more. Please. Charlotte! Make him stop.
CODE BLUE
You already had your ten minute break. Get back out there and dig.
ANTHONY
I quit. I don’t care if I lose my job. I quit.
SPORTY
Hey, Blue. How long have you had Tony digging trenches?
CODE BLUE
(looks at clock)
Well, fourteen hours, but I’m gonna dock him an hour for being lazy.
ANTHONY
Lazy? I rotated your tires, washed your car, planted a rose garden around your parking space.
CODE BLUE
But you got sloppy with the sprinkler system.
ANTHONY
It was the library lawn!
CHARLOTTE AND ALYDAR COME FROM BEHIND THE DESK. THEY STRETCH AFTER A LONG NIGHT SITTING.
ALYDAR
So how many more hours can I add?
ANTHONY
Fourteen for me.
CODE BLUE
Thirteen. And next time, Charlotte, send me someone who knows the difference between a Heirloom rose and an English Rose.
ALYDAR PLUGS THE NUMBERS INTO THE CALCULATOR.
ALYDAR
(to Code Blue)
How many hours did you work for Anthony?
ANTHONY
I only got twenty minutes out of him. He threatened to say I sexually harassed him.
(meekly)
So I sent him home.
ALYDAR
We’ll put down fifteen hours, on top of all the hours these guys brought in.
ALYDAR PUNCHES SOME BUTTONS ON THE CALCULATOR. REACTS TO THE FINAL SUM.
ALYDAR (CONT’D)
As far as the owner knows, we grossed $175,000 dollars last night.
GUYS REACT WITH SHOUTS OF GLEE.
CHARLOTTE
Yep. And we lost every account.
GUYS REACT WITH SHOUTS OF GLEE.
ALYDAR
All we can do is hope the owner changes his mind.
SPORTY
With that money, Lupus could buy the horse easy.
CHARLOTTE
But he’s never going to see that money. He just doesn’t know it.
PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE REACTS TENSELY. CHARLOTTE RETURNS TO DESK AND ANSWERS IT.
CHARLOTTE (CONT’D)
Good morning, Work-A-Day, Labor hall. Oh, hello Mr. Lupus. I was just going to call you with some wonderful news. We...uh...but...ok.
CHARLOTTE IS STUNNED. SHE PUTS PHONE DOWN AND RETURNS TO THE GROUP WHO WAIT IN ANTICIPATION.
SPORTY
(of Charlotte’s shocked look)
We gave it our best shot, guys. Don’t forget it. I’m proud to have worked with you all.
ALYDAR SMILES. HE SEEMS READY TO REVEAL HIS SECRET.
ALYDAR
Sporty, I...
CHARLOTTE
(interrupts)
The horse died. He’s not closing us down! We did it!
DELAYED REACTION. THEN CHEERS. THEY ALL CONGRATULATE EACH OTHER.
ANTHONY
Wait a second. Why am I happy? I hate working here.
CODE BLUE
Hey, today’s street-sweeping day, right? How would you like to move my car for me?
ANTHONY
Really?
CODE BLUE
With a little guidance, you could be a good worker.
ANTHONY
Do you think so? Hey, wait a second. How much are you going to pay me?
CODE BLUE
Pay? You still owe me an hour from yesterday.
ANTHONY SHRUGS AND MOVES TOWARD THE DOOR. CODE BLUE FOLLOWS.
CODE BLUE (CONT’D)
And if you’re good, I’ll let you play the radio.
SPORTY SHAKES ALYDAR’S HAND.
SPORTY
Congratulation, Ali. What were you gonna say a second ago?
ALYDAR
Just that...I’m proud to have worked with you too, Sporty. Maybe I’ll stick around.
SPORTY
Feel free. There are plenty of dead-end jobs to go around. we could use a good man.
ALYDAR IS HAPPY BUT STILL HIDING HIS SECRET. ALYDAR HAS A FAMILY LIKE HAS NEVER KNOWN BEFORE. THE MEN NEED HIM. ON HIS FACE, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE I
EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT
(DICEMAN, BOOTS)
DICEMAN AND BOOTS ARE SETTLING DOWN TO BED, FIXING BLANKETS AND NEWSPAPER OVER THEIR LEGS.
DICEMAN
Let’s agree to disagree.
BOOTS
Fine. As long as you agree I’m right.
DICEMAN
No. Seattle Slew beats Seabiscuit by two lengths. I guarantee it. History doesn’t lie.
BOOTS
Different trainers in different eras. Seabiscuit had better times in worse conditions, ergo, he was the better horse.
DICEMAN
Define your terms! ‘Better’ how? How can you make such a claim?
BOOTS
I pay attention. Now pass the entertainment section.
DICEMAN RELUCTANTLY PASSES THE ENTERTAINMENT SECTION. AS HE DOES SO HE READS A PORTION OF IT.
DICEMAN
Would you look at that. Jennifer Lopez is getting married again.
BOOTS
She’ll never beat Zsa Zsa Gabor’s record.
DICEMAN
I’ll bet you two bus tokens she does. Heck, she might do it this year.
BOOTS
I’ll take that bet. And I’ll take that section.
BOOTS TAKES THE SECTION OF NEWSPAPER AND LAYS IT OVER HIS LEGS.
BOOTS (CONT’D)
That’s what I’m talking about. Good night, Boots.
DICEMAN
Good night, Diceman.
AS BOOTS SNORE WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
This may be the way to share and publish a script.
take a look:
http://www.celtx.com/support.html
Post a Comment